A Grief Advent Calendar Nobody Asked For

Everyone's posting their advent calendars filled with little chocolate surprises. But when you're grieving, the holidays open different kinds of doors. Here's what's really behind them:

The "Everyone's So Jolly" Door 

• Your grief doesn't care that it's the most wonderful time of the year. Sometimes it shows up louder when everything else is sparkly. The contrast between your insides and the world's outsides feels like living in parallel universes.

The "Traditions Hit Different" Door 

• Maybe you can't handle going to your old in-laws. Maybe you're splitting custody for the first time. Maybe chronic illness means you can't do what you used to. Maybe you're starting completely new traditions. Maybe you're ordering pizza instead. It all counts.

The "Social Media Makes It Worse" Door

• All those perfect family photos. All those "feeling blessed" captions. All those memories from past years popping up. The holiday posts from people you're not speaking to anymore. The family gatherings you're not part of now. It's okay to hit mute or unfollow.

The "Family Dynamics Are Messy" Door 

• When the empty chair feels extra empty. When shared custody means half-empty holidays. When estrangement leaves gaps at the table. When illness changes how someone can participate. When every gathering feels like navigating an emotional minefield.

The "Nothing Fits Anymore" Door 

• Old traditions don't work. New ones don't feel right. Skipping everything feels wrong. Doing everything feels wrong. Your old role doesn't exist. Your new reality doesn't have a blueprint. Nothing fits quite right.

The "Weird Time Warp" Door 

• Somehow December feels like forever and also like everything just changed yesterday. Before and after. Then and now. Time doesn't make sense anymore.

The "Everything's Different" Door 

• Different house after the move. Different family after the divorce. Different abilities after the diagnosis. Different dynamics after the estrangement. Different you after everything changed.

The "Mixed Emotions" Door 

• Missing your kids on their week with your ex. Feeling relieved your toxic parent isn't around, then guilty about the relief. Being thankful for new circumstances while grieving old ones. Joy and pain playing tag in your chest.

The "Well-Meaning People" Door 

• The invites you don't want. The advice you didn't ask for. The "just reach out" suggestions about estrangement. The "you can always have more kids" comments. The pressure to do holidays "normally." The constant need to manage other people's comfort with your loss.

The "Everything's a Trigger" Door 

• The holiday cards addressed wrong. The traditions you can't physically do anymore. The custody schedule calendar. The family recipes you used to make together. The photos from better times. The memories that sneak up in the grocery store.

The "What Is Normal Anyway" Door 

• The holiday cards addressed wrong. The traditions you can't physically do anymore. The custody schedule calendar. The family recipes you used to make together. The photos from better times. The memories that sneak up in the grocery store.

The "Permission Slip" Door 

• Permission to skip the gathering. Change the traditions. Create new ones. Feel however you feel. Set boundaries. Say no. Say yes. Do it differently. Do it your way.

Some days you might open multiple doors at once. Some might stay shut this year. New ones might appear when you least expect them. Old ones might get a little easier to open, or hit differently than they did before.

And here's what we know: There's no map for this. No right order to open these doors. No perfect way to handle what's behind them. You're allowed to open and close them at your own pace. Skip the ones you can't face. Find people who understand which door you're standing in front of.

Maybe the real gift isn't in what's behind these doors, but in knowing you're not the only one opening them.