From Selena: Grief and the Experiences of Immigrants

When I was five, living in China, my cousin was my best friend. Our grandparents would take us to the park and buy us popsicles from the convenience store on the way home. But since moving to the U.S. 12 years ago, those memories have become distant. I can barely recall my cousin's face, and my conversations with my grandparents are limited to brief, laggy WeChat calls.

For me, immigration was always linked with opportunity and success, not grief. Yet, every time I thought about the relationships I could have had with my relatives, or saw photos of my family gathered for Lunar New Year, a sense of emptiness—grief—would wash over me.

In researching the topic of grief and immigration, I came across Dr. Kristina Fullerton Rico's research on how undocumented immigrants grieve deaths from afar. It inspired me to reflect on my own experience and write this article to bring attention to the quiet grief that often shadows the immigrant journey.

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Immigration is often framed as a hopeful journey towards a better life. But beneath the surface of this journey lies a complex web of emotions, with grief being one of the most profound yet overlooked aspects. 

For immigrants, grief, especially ambiguous loss, can be everywhere. There’s the grief of leaving behind familiar surroundings and faces, the grief of losing a sense of identity and cultural connection, and the grief of missing out on important life events back home. These losses are often compounded by the challenges of adapting to a new lifestyle.

For many immigrants, grieving is complicated by the fact that they must do so in an unfamiliar environment. The supports that might have been available in their home country—like loved ones, rituals, and cultural practices—are often absent in their new country. There’s also a large degree of cultural (or even time zone) separation between immigrants and relatives in their home country, meaning relatives sometimes cannot grasp the challenges of living in another country, especially when immigrants cannot return home. The lack of understanding from both sides can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, as immigrants struggle to find ways to mourn and heal in a place where their grief may not be fully understood or acknowledged.

A Long Distance from Home

For some, grief is compounded by the knowledge that they may never return home. Knowing that they may never see their loved ones again can be a heavy burden to bear, leading to a deep sense of loss and sorrow that can persist for years, if not a lifetime.

Guilt is also present in immigrants who are unable to return to their home country. Especially in the face of a loved one’s death or sickness, immigrants may feel helpless, as they might feel like there is little they can do to provide support from far away. Being unable to return can also cause some to feel they are prioritizing opportunities over friends and family, which can cause intense guilt surrounding the decision to immigrate. This makes the grieving process all the more painful, as many immigrants become stuck in the destructive cycle of “what-ifs?”

Second-Generation Immigrants

Grief over immigration can extend to the children of immigrants, as well. Pressure to assimilate for first-generation immigrants, as well as a completely different cultural environment, can contribute to the second-generation immigrants’ grief and shame over not knowing the culture of their ethnicity— another ambiguous loss. Moreover, it can also make it difficult to find common ground with relatives in their home country, causing a feeling of grief over under-developed relationships with far-away loved ones.  

The Silent Grief of Undocumented Immigrants

For undocumented immigrants, the experience of grief can be even more complex. The fear of deportation, the uncertainty of their legal status, and the constant need to remain hidden can make it near impossible to grieve openly. Many undocumented immigrants are forced to carry on with their daily lives, even as they mourn the loss of their homes and community, even while this grief might sit side by side with the hope for a better future.

The stigma associated with being an undocumented immigrant can also exacerbate feelings of isolation and shame, making it difficult for them to seek support. This can lead to a cycle of unprocessed grief, which can manifest in physical and mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and chronic stress.

Despite the many challenges, many immigrants find ways to cope with their grief and build new lives for themselves in their adopted countries. They form new communities, create new traditions, and find new ways to connect with their cultural heritage. In doing so, they transform their grief into a source of strength and empowerment.

We tend to draw focus to immigrants’ tangible successes and struggles, and overlook the grief that comes with them leaving behind an entire life. Let’s start acknowledging that immigrants need spaces to process their feelings, celebrate how far they’ve come, mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

For immigrants struggling with grief, here are some strategies:

• Name your grief. It can give you a sense of control over the feelings and make it easier to sit with them.
• Form/join a community of people from your home country. By finding others who share similar cultural backgrounds, it can relieve some of the loneliness felt after entering an unknown environment. It can also add a layer of support for your grieving process.
• Form/join a support group. Being able to share your thoughts and feelings with people who have gone through similar experiences can feel validating and help with strategies 

Remember, there's no quick fix for the grief.. It's an ongoing process that may ebb and flow throughout your life. Some days will be harder than others, and that's okay.

At Grieve Leave, we recognize that immigrant grief is often overlooked or misunderstood. We're working on creating more resources to address this specific type of loss. In the meantime, we want to hear from you.

Have you experienced grief related to immigration? What has your journey been like? Head over to our Instagram and share your story in the comments.