From The Grieve Leave Intern Elena - College Dreams vs. Reality: The Grief Those Viral TikToks Don't Show

Where are the Tiktoks of people getting rejected from their dream colleges? Or the ones where someone gets accepted, but can’t afford to attend? Or let’s play out another scenario:  you get into the college of your dreams, but something else stands in the way– maybe it’s finances, family obligations, or an opportunity you never expected.

Right now, it’s the time when college decisions flood social media, celebrating their success. But for many of us, the reality is far from picture-perfect. The school you had envisioned your future at is a path you’ll never take. And that’s where the grief sets in.

Because yes, grief is exactly what it is.

People readily associate grief with the death of a loved one. But no one warns you about the grief that comes with lost possibilities– even in college decision-making. The “what could have been.” The alternate version of you, walking those campus sidewalks, sitting in those classrooms, joining those clubs. You mourn the version of your life that, for whatever reason, isn’t meant to be.

I had my own experiences with grief during the college application process. For me, it wasn’t about rejection, but rather it was the uncertainty of my choice. What if I could’ve been happier at another school? I grieved over the “what ifs” of never applying to certain schools, my friend group choosing to attend other universities, and wondering if I missed out on something “better.”  

In the end, I chose the university I’m at now (North Carolina State University- Go Pack!) because it validated more of my high school college credits and aligned better with my career goals. That decision means that I can graduate earlier, I can skip a year and a half, or even two if I really push myself. This gives me a huge advantage: I am able to start law school sooner, accelerate my career timeline, and continue growing as a student. 

NC State also offers a much more welcoming environment than any other campus I visited or was accepted into, with a political science department that’s incredibly supportive and tailored to my needs. NC State is also much closer to my job, so I could continue working full-time after graduating high school (which I ultimately ended up doing).

But even with all these benefits, the grief I had hasn’t disappeared overnight. Especially in my first year, I missed my friends who went to different schools, and at times, their absence made my successes feel emptier. It felt like I was moving forward while leaving pieces of my life behind. 

This doesn’t mean I don’t love the college choice I made, or that it feels any less like home,  but it means that sometimes, still, I feel little bits and pieces of grief. 

Grief is part of the reality of making decisions about college, because: these decisions can be heart-breaking, gut-wretching, and can come with trade-offs. For many of us, even when we feel like we’ve  made the right choice, it’s still hard to not grieve what could have been. 

So, what do you do with all of that grief? 

How to Grieve Your College Decision Process:

• Give yourself time and space for grief– you’re not silly for feeling it

• Acknowledge your emotions instead of dismissing them. 

• Write down your thoughts in a journal, talk to a friend or family member.

How to Support Someone Grieving Their College Decision

It’s easy to dismiss someone’s college grief by saying things like, “At least you got in somewhere else!” or “It’ll all work out in the end.” And while well-intentioned, these comments can feel invalidating and insensitive to someone who’s dealing with disappointment or doubt.

Instead, try to sit with them in their grief. Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them.  What you say or do matters and will affect how the person affected coped with their loss.  Encourage them to process those feelings without judgment. College decisions are monumental, and it’s okay to carry some of that weight even as you move forward.

This encouragement might sound and look like:

• Visiting a loved one and saying: “I’m sorry this is so hard.”

• “It’s okay to feel sad about this.”

• A text that says: “Hey, just checking in on you– I heard about your college decision, and I want you to know that I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

• [You actually don’t have to say anything– you can give them a hug in person!]

Remember: so often we define success as attending a prestigious college. But your version of success or peace is unique to you. Reflect on what matters to you: whether it’s graduating early, preparing for a particular career, or finding a supportive environment, and let that guide your decisions, not the expectations of others.

And for so many of us,  financial challenges can feel like they are dictating our decisions or limiting our dreams. Don’t forget to seek out scholarships, grants, or work-study programs. If the school you attend or plan to (because of obvious financial barriers) doesn’t feel like the right fit, consider other pathways like transferring, community college, or online classes. There are so many resources available to help you bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Most importantly, if you’re facing a rejection right now, remember: you didn’t get rejected from your future. A school is a place, not a destiny. No college acceptance or rejection defines you.

It’s natural to grieve for the life you imagined but didn’t get. That grief doesn’t make you weak, bad, or ungrateful for the opportunities you do have. You’re allowed to sit with that sadness and acknowledge the loss without needing to “look on the bright side.” Both can co-exist. You can feel the pain of what was lost, while still finding gratitude for where you are. The path you’re on might look different from what you envisioned, but it’s full of lessons, growth, and unexpected opportunities. In time, you will most likely realize that the detours and sacrifices have led you to a destination even better than the one you could have ever dreamed of or imagined.