How to Navigate Beloved Holiday Traditions When You're Grieving

The holidays are coming, and there's an elephant in the room. Maybe it's Mom's empty chair at the dinner table. Or the fact that no one knows who's making Grandma's famous stuffing this year. Or perhaps it's just the weight of trying to celebrate and act like business as usual when someone important isn't there anymore because of the break up.

Here's the thing about that grief elephant: the more we try to tiptoe around it, the bigger it seems to get. What if we faced it head-on and made space for new ways of doing things?

There's no "right" way to do holidays while grieving. Whatever you're feeling – dread, anxiety, numbness, or even bits of excitement mixed with guilt – it's all normal. But there are some ways to make it suck a little less.

Here's how to start:

• Name that elephant in the room

Having an honest conversation with family BEFORE the holiday chaos hits can save a lot of stress. Try something like: "Hey, can we talk about how we want to handle the holidays this year? It's going to feel different without [person], and I think we should figure out some things ahead of time."

• Get specific about traditions

  - What do we want to keep?
  - What feels too painful right now?
  - What new things might we try?
  - Who's taking on which roles?

• Have a backup plan (or three) 

Maybe you thought you could handle making Dad's signature cocktails, but when the moment comes, it's just too much. That's okay. Have some store-bought alternatives ready. Maybe you need an escape plan for when Uncle Bob's well-meaning but overwhelming holiday cheer becomes too much.

Some practical ideas for handling specific traditions:

• Food traditions:
  

  - Can't face making Mom's pies? Try an ice cream sundae bar instead
  - Order from a restaurant instead of cooking the whole meal
  - Ask everyone to bring their own new dish to share

• Gift exchanges:
  

  - Scale back if it feels overwhelming
  - Switch to a group donation to a meaningful cause
  - Do a memory exchange instead of presents

• Activities:
  

  - Create a new ritual to honor your person
  - Take a group walk if sitting around the table feels too heavy
  - Plan shorter gatherings if a full day feels like too much

Remember: Different family members might be in different places with their grief. Some might want to stick to every tradition exactly as it was, while others might want to skip the holidays entirely. That's why talking about it ahead of time is so important.

Some key phrases that might help:

• "I know this will be different, and that's okay."

• "Can we try something new this year and see how it feels?"

• "It's okay if we need to adjust plans as we go."

• "What if we..." (always better than "We should...")

The holidays might feel impossible right now. But sometimes, just naming that impossibility – and making space for it – can make things a tiny bit more possible.