How to Write a Eulogy

So, you've been asked to give a eulogy. Maybe you volunteered, or maybe you're the only one who can do it. Either way, you're staring at a blank page right now, wondering how you should even start. Listen: I got you.

Speaking at the funeral or memorial of someone you care about can feel like a mix of the greatest honor you’ve ever felt, and so incredibly overwhelming that you don’t think you can do it without throwing up. I’ve written and delivered three eulogies: my grandfather when I was 18, my dad when I was 31, and my grandmother when I was 33. I stood by my dad’s side when he eulogized my mother when I was 13. I’ve helped friends and partners write eulogies for people they love. Here’s a collection of that knowledge, taken from over the years. 

Do you HAVE to speak?

• Short answer: no, but if your gut is telling you to say something, then do it. 

• Longer answer: will it be something you look back at longer term and wish you’d spoken? Is it important to others in your family, or would it have been important to the person that you lost, that you speak, even if it isn’t your favorite thing in the world? If your answer to either of those is “yes,” maybe you should speak.

• Consider that this process, itself, might actually help you grieve the loss you’re experiencing. 

Brainstorming:

• Give yourself some time and space to brainstorm, walk away, and come back to it, as needed. That might be a few days, if you have that time available. You don’t have to power through brainstorming and writing it all in one sitting.

• Spend some time speaking with people who also loved your person, looking at old photos and old home movies, if you have them.  

• Open up a blank notebook, notes app, or your laptop, and start jotting down ideas, no judgment and no erasing:

  • What are some of the things your person taught you?

  • How did your person make you feel?

  • What are some memories that really capture examples of those things: feelings and teachings?

  • What do you hope folks’ listening will remember about your person?

  • What are some memories that just make you smile and laugh, if that feels authentic to you?

Writing: 

• Say as much or as little as you want, as long as it’s authentic to you and your relationship

• If you’re totally stuck, think about your opening and your closing

• introduce yourself at the start of your speech – write that into your script so you don’t forget

• My dad loved to start his speeches with a quote- it gave him a jumping off point. Maybe that’s a quote from the person you’re speaking about, or maybe it’s a famous quote…but that could help you. 

• Your closing could be directed to your loved one, something you want to tell them, thanking them, etc. 

• Read it out loud a few times to make sure the words sound right to you– sometimes reading them is different from writing them.

• Read a draft out loud, or send a draft, to a close friend or family member for honest feedback. 

• Help your audience understand your person by giving examples

• Instead of: "He was a loving father" Try: "Dad showed love in weird ways. Like the time he drove four hours in a snowstorm to bring me soup when I had the flu in college, complained the whole time about my 'death trap' apartment, fixed my leaky faucet, and then drove straight back home."

• Instead of: "She was always there for everyone" Try: "Mom's kitchen table was basically a 24/7 crisis center. Whether you were going through a breakup or got fired, she'd pour you bad coffee, let you cry, and then say 'okay, what's our game plan?' before pulling out her yellow legal pad."

• Instead of: "He had a great sense of humor" Try: "Uncle Mike had exactly three jokes that he told at every family gathering for 20 years. They never got funnier. We never stopped groaning. He never stopped telling them. And now I'd give anything to hear that terrible punch line one more time."

Preparing for the big day:

• Paper logistics

• Print the eulogy out in a large font, double spaced, with page numbers. 

• Paperclip the pages together instead of stapling so it’s not as difficult to flip the pages over– you can just shuffle them around (and still keep track of their order with those page numbers)

• Bring a pen or a pencil for last minute edits

• Eat something before the day gets started.

• Bring water up to the podium

• Bring tissues up to the podium

• Mentally prepare yourself for the casket potentially being right in front of you - it can be pretty shocking 

• Adjust the microphone to your mouth– people want to hear what you have to say.

• Speak slowly. It’s ok if you need to pause to blow your nose. (It’s also ok if you don’t cry at all.)

• Let people support you. 

What You Don't Have to Do:

• Cover their whole life story

• Only talk about "important" achievements

• Pretend everything was perfect

• Let’s consider the old adage “don’t speak ill of the dead” and weigh what feels right to you. That doesn’t mean airing all of their dirty laundry, but it can mean being just a little more honest– for example, naming that your relationship was “complicated” or that you weren’t always “close.” 

• Sound like a poet

• You should sound like yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. 

• Stick to formalities

• If you want to show images on a slideshow during your eulogy, and the space allows for it, why not? If you want to play music during your eulogy, why not? You can get creative– just make sure to give close family members a heads up in case you’re worried you might ruffle feathers by going a little rogue. 

Whatever you say, it will be enough. It will be beautiful. It will be from your heart. You got this!