When Grief and Gratitude Share the Table

holiday grief Nov 24, 2024

Somewhere in our minds, we’ve come to accept this myth that grief and gratitude are opposites. That when we’re feeling down, we should think about something we’re grateful for to cancel out the grief. That you can't be grateful while grieving, or that being grateful somehow means you're grieving "wrong."

But grief isn't neat or orderly. It doesn't follow a straight line or stick to one emotion at a time. And it certainly doesn't pause just because a holiday says we should be thankful.

The truth? We can hold it all:

  • The ache of an empty chair AND the comfort of those still at our table 

  • Missing your kids on their weeks with your ex AND being grateful that your painful marriage ended 

  • The pain of family estrangement AND appreciation for chosen family 

  • Grieving life changes from illness AND feeling thankful for new perspectives 

  • The heaviness of losing someone AND the warmth of their lasting impact

Grief doesn't ask permission to show up. It doesn't wait its turn. It weaves itself through everything - even gratitude, even joy, even love.

This isn't a contradiction - it's just being human. It's grief doing what grief does: showing up alongside everything else in our lives, pulling up a chair, making itself at home.

In real life, that might look like:

  • Being grateful your kids have a good relationship with their stepmom while missing when you were their only mom 

  • Appreciating your support system while grieving the relationship that fell apart 

  • Feeling thankful for your body's abilities while mourning what chronic illness has taken

  • Missing holiday traditions with estranged family while creating meaningful new ones

  • Being grateful for memories while wishing desperately for new ones

 

Ways to navigate when grief and gratitude collide:

  • Create space for both:

  • Start new traditions that honor both what you've lost and what you still have

  • Acknowledge the complex feelings around shared custody holidays

  • Find ways to celebrate changes while mourning what's different

  • Make room for both old memories and new connections

  • Give yourself permission to:

  • Skip the forced gratitude lists

  • Feel grateful for five minutes and grieving for the next five

  • Honor both the gifts and the losses in your situation

  • Step away when either feeling becomes too intense

  • When others don't understand:

  • "Yes, I can be grateful for what I have AND still grieve what's changed"

  • "I'm thankful for new beginnings AND sad about what's ended"

  • "My gratitude doesn't erase my grief"


Some days grief might take up more space. Other days, gratitude might feel a bit louder. Both are welcome at the table. 


 

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