When the Future You Planned Vanishes: Grieving Our "What Ifs"

One part of Selena Gomez’s Vanity Fair interview this week stopped us in our scrolling this week: “I haven’t ever said this, but I unfortunately can’t carry my own children. I have a lot of medical issues that would put my life and the baby’s in jeopardy. That was something I had to grieve for a while.” (Emphasis ours.)

Selena used the G-word, And, by doing so, she's shining a light on a type of loss that many of us have felt, but maybe didn't have a name for: the grief of losing a dream, an imagined future, our personal "what could have been.” 

Selena’s loss is not quite a tangible one. It’s the loss of the potential for something she wanted. It’s the loss of what she thought motherhood would look like for her. 

But, this type of loss can go beyond isn't just about biological kids. It's about all those life plans we make that suddenly evaporate:

• The dream job that turns out to be a nightmare 

• The "forever" relationship that ends

• The comfortable family dynamic we always imagined

• The career path that becomes obsolete 

• The home with the yard we can no longer afford

• The retirement derailed by unexpected health issues

• The business venture that doesn't take off as planned

• The travel dreams put on hold by global events 

• The athletic aspirations sidelined by an injury

We're grieving something that never actually existed, but feels intensely real. That grief is completely valid.

The world isn't exactly equipped to handle this brand of loss (yet– but as we keep growing our Grieve Leave community, it’ll get there!) There's no bereavement leave for a shattered dream, no casserole for a derailed five-year plan. Society's lack of acknowledgment can leave us feeling isolated as if we're the only ones mourning something that never really existed in the first place. 

So what do we do when our carefully crafted plans implode?

1. Feel our feelings: Acknowledge that this hurts. There's no need to put on a brave face immediately. (Pro tip: journaling can be a great way to process these emotions)

2. Give it time: Grief doesn't run on a schedule. We take the time we need. (And no, "getting over it" isn't the goal)

3. Get creative with Plan B: Selena's take on this: is spot-on - "However I'm meant to have them [children], I will." We look for new paths to what we really want, even if it looks different than we first imagined. (Sometimes, this involves a lot of brainstorming and maybe a vision board or two)

4. Talk it out: We find our people who get it. Maybe that's a friend, a therapist, or coming to one of our Meet and Grieve sessions.

5. Reimagine the future: While honoring what we've lost, we start to consider new possibilities. What unexpected doors might this change open? (Remember: different doesn't mean worse)

6. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself like you would a good friend going through the same thing

7. Find other outlets: Sometimes, channeling our grief into action can help. (Create art, write, scream into the void - whatever works)

You're not alone in this. Not by a long shot. It's a club none of us wanted to join, but here we are. And while there's no secret handshake (though maybe there should be), there is power in knowing we're not the only ones going through this.