Who’s the Second Person You Call When You Go Through a Loss? It’s Probably…Your Boss

No one wants to think about their "grief notification" list. But in those heavy moments, we dial through a few contacts immediately: There's family, close friends... But there's one person you might not have considered would absolutely be a part of this incredibly vulnerable moment: it’s your boss. You will probably notify the people you trust the most first, and the second thing you’ll have to do is let your boss know you won’t be at work.

And hopefully your boss will respond with empathy and care in that moment of crisis. 

I was at work the day my father died suddenly. After I call the call no one ever wants to get, it was because of the support of my manager, and my manager’s managers, that I was able to physically get up off the floor in that awful moment. Everyone was empathetic from the moment they heard the news.  

Fast forward a year, and I was making another difficult call to my boss. This time, it was to let her know I was getting divorced. Why? Because legal meetings were about to wreak havoc on my meticulously color-coded work calendar.

The point is, whatever your loss - a death, a diagnosis, a breakup - at some point, your boss will need to know. They need to know you'll be MIA, figure out how to cover your work, and hopefully, respond like an actual human being with feelings.

To all the managers reading this: if you haven't had one of these conversations yet, trust me, it's coming. And when it does, remember: your response can make a world of difference to someone navigating one of the toughest periods of their life. 

Here’s my two cents on some things to keep in mind when an employee comes to you with news of a personal loss:

1. Lead with compassion: A simple "I'm so sorry you're going through this," and “we’re in your corner” goes a long way. Remember, you're talking to a human first, an employee second.

2. Listen: Just listen, first. Give them your full attention, and don’t rush into problem-solving mode.

3. Be flexible: Work with your employee to find solutions that work for both of you. In the short term, this might mean adjusting deadlines, redistributing work, or offering remote work options.

4. Offer clear support: Your employee needs to hear you’re ready to support them. They might not be ready to hear all the ins and outs of leave policies and available support during that first call when they break the news of the loss to you. But, you can let them know that you will follow up with them with more information, when they’re ready. Follow up thoughtfully: Check in periodically, but respect boundaries. A simple "How’s today going?" text message can mean the world to someone going through a tough time.

Grief doesn't clock out when we clock in. It follows us everywhere, including to our desks, Zoom calls, and team meetings. As leaders, we have the opportunity - and responsibility - to create workplaces that acknowledge this reality.

Let's be prepared for these moments. Let's commit to bringing more empathy, more compassion, and more humanity into our workplaces. Because at the end of the day, we're all human, dealing with the messy, complicated reality of life - and loss.

Grieve on,

Rebecca

PS: We want to hear from you! Have you been on either side of grief at work conversations? Maybe you've had to break difficult news to your boss, or perhaps you're a manager who's supported an employee through a tough time. We'd love to hear your stories, your insights, and your advice. Email them over to [email protected].